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« When the Bills Come Due ... | Main | I'm Okay, You're the Genetic Equivalent of an Edsel »

A Man Can Dream

October 18, 2006

After my adventures in air travel this weekend, I couldn't help but let my jaw hit the floor upon reading this:

This is not about the presumed titans of the private jet universe like the mighty Gulfstream G5’s or Global Expresses, whose occupants can leap continents and oceans at high speed and in plush comfort, without all the inconveniences of commercial airports, airline schedules and, well, strangers.

This is about big, long-haul airliners that are converted to private jets and can carry not only pampered passengers and their entourages, but also, in some cases, their Rolls Royces and racehorses. These are specially equipped, privately owned jumbo jets -- the kind that normally carry as many 300 to 400 passengers -- but reconfigured with interiors designed for the enjoyment of, at most, a couple of dozen.

And in a market in which many owners progressively upgrade -- starting out, for example, with a Boeing 737 and eventually moving up -- the next big thing is the Boeing 787 Dreamliner, which lists for about $150 million and up.

As a private jet, at least under a new “V.I.P.” design being introduced today by Lufthansa Technik at the National Business Aviation Association convention and trade show in Orlando, Fla., the 787 will have 35 seats -- most of which can also be used as single lie-flat seats, queen-size beds or double beds, said Jennifer Urbaniak, a Lufthansa spokeswoman.

As a commercial airliner, the 787 will seat 210 to 330 passengers, depending on the airline that flies it.

I was on a mammoth jet flying out of Phoenix Sunday morning -- I think it was a 757. For most of the flight, I felt lucky to be on the thing at all, considering how close I came to missing it. After that, I fantasized about something a lot more pedestrian: being in first class instead of a middle seat in the back row.

The idea of having a jet that big all to myself ... cripes, what would I do with it? Once there's room for me and my family or guests to stretch out and take a nap, what would we do with the rest? Run windsprints? Play flag football?

So I began to sort through my actual fantasies, and came up with a pretty short list:

1. I want to sell enough books that I can justify buying an office chair that doesn't squeak.

2. I'd like to become such a dynamic speaker that whoever's paying me to come out to their event springs for a first-class ticket.

3. Just once, even if it's only for a single week, I want to see one of my books on a bestseller list.

I say this knowing that you can be very successful in my little niche of the publishing world without any of your books becoming bestsellers.

And, more to the point of why this is a "fantasy" instead of a realistic aspiration, the only authors in my niche who've reached that status were TV personalities or magazine editors who could promote their books relentlessly, despite the fact they were too busy with their day jobs to actually write the books in the first place. (Actually doing the work is for suckers; the real players get someone else to write their books, voluntarily or otherwise, and stick to the important stuff, like taking full credit for whatever it is their underlings put together.)

Still, the dream remains, and I suspect everyone who's ever put words on paper shares it.

4. Free shoes. For some reason, I've always fantasized about getting a shoe contract from Nike or Reebok or Adidas, and getting new shoes whenever I ask. I can't think of a single reason why any company would give me such a deal, but every time I go to the gym with scuffed shoes I think about it.

And that's it. That's as far as my purely selfish dreams go these days, and I can't really imagine how I'd pull off #3 or #4. Even #2 won't happen anytime soon, if ever. That means my big goal in life having nothing to do with my family welfare or economic security is to get a desk chair that doesn't squeak.

Posted by LouSchuler at October 18, 2006 10:40 AM

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